Tuesday, 02 October 2007

• It’s 2.45am and I’m still awake. I’ve been having a real bad cough since last Wednesday and I haven’t been having the best of sleep lately. I start coughing in the middle of the night, and I end up coughing real bad and bam, I’m awake for the next hour or so. That happens every night and yes, tonight is another of those sleepless coughing nights, unfortunately. I’ve been awake for about an hour and fifteen minutes ago. I gave up trying to sleep and decided to type out a reasonable post which I have NOT done in quite some time. Oh well, since I can’t sleep, why don’t tire myself out?

   

  It’s been quite a while since I’ve actually been desperate for God. As in, REALLY desperate. As I think of all those YC camps and conferences that I’ve attended, I find myself wondering, ‘Why was I so fired up for God then? What happened to that desperation that flooded my soul? Why did I let things change?’ Why does it take a conference or a camp to make that desperation for God happen?

   

  I guess everything boils down to this; to worship Him is a choice.

   

  And certain choices requires pure determination that would not back down when temptations/obstacles/hindrances/events come into the picture. So often I find myself thinking about my struggles or ‘I’m tired!’ during praise and worship. It’s not that I don’t focus on God entirely, it’s just that my mind tends to wander off after a few minutes.

   

  It’s so irritating that I find myself emotionally being like a yo-yo. I know I’m just a human but that shouldn’t be an excuse. Certain times I’m so hyped up that I can just sing my heart out, whether in tune or not and just fall down on my knees, just being worshipping Him. But certain times I just feel empty. Okay, empty is not the word. I can’t think of any other word to describe it.

   

  Basically, I just want to stop disappointing God and myself.

   

  Take me to that place, Lord

  Where there’s nothing else but me and You

  Longing for Your presence

  I know that You’re calling me back to You

   

  Here I stand

  And long for Your embrace

  Nothing else could ever take Your place

   

  Come Holy Spirit

  Fall in this place

  I need more and more of You

  Fill me again with the power of Your Spirit

  Lord, I’m crying out for more and more of You

   

   

  I so need to get my life right back with my God.

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